Today I enter the temple to make sacred promises to the Lord. Tomorrow I enter once again to make sacred promises with my husband. I have been searching for the right phrase to describe the way I am feeling, and I think the only sufficient term I can offer is "emotional overstimulation". I tear up rather easily and constantly find myself attempting to extract the most possible meaning and enjoyment out of every moment. This overstimulation isn't a negative feeling but it is a foreign concept that I haven't had the opportunity to experience in my life thus far.
Yesterday I saw That Groom for the first time in 73 very long days. It did not go the way I expected and I was left confused. I had imagined a moment right out of a movie, with me running towards him, jumping up and throwing my arms and legs around him, crying and kissing and the inability to let go of one another. Let's just say the time felt stressed and strange and was altogether a little shorter than what I was hoping for. I started to wonder why we were doing this, what the chemistry was. I didn't want to run, I just wanted to find reassurance. I am not grateful for this because it forced me to really reflect on our past, and the deeply intimate moments we have shared which had helped us realize how wonderful we would be together in marriage. I have no doubts or apprehension now.
The wedding weekend disasters have already begun. We have a groomsmen who bought his plane ticket for Thursday the 16th, only yesterday learning that the wedding is this weekend, not next. He also doesn't have a black suit, something I emailed him about over three months ago. I anticipate many more things just like this to happen over and over within the next two days, but after shedding a few tears curled up in my bed last night I told myself to get over it, and I did. I just want to get married to the man I love, no matter who attends and what they are wearing.
To you, my dear friends (for you truly are my friends), I can only express a deep seated admiration and wholehearted appreciation. The amount of love and support I have garnered from you over the time period I have been writing has many times been the stronghold I needed to make it through one more day. Thank you for reaching out to a complete stranger and showing you care many times over throughout the past few months.
To my dear amost-husband who will likely never read this :) I love you because of your strengths, and even after beginning to learn your faults. I think we are both starting to believe if we can make it through this we can make it through anything. You support me, love me, and cherish me. I am marrying you forever and there is nothing I want more.
While flipping through some of the old books we are using as centerpieces this week, I found *this passage which so perfectly describes trembling joy I am currently experiencing.
""My wife, my life. Oh! We will walk this world,
Yoked in all exercise of noble end,
And so through those dark gates across the wild
That no man knows. My hopes and thine are one;
Accomplish thou my manhood, and thyself
Lay thy sweet hands in mine and trust to me."
St. Elmo, by Augusta J. Evans
For the last time as a Miss,